You Might Be a Redneck...

Jeff Foxworthy has made a bundle off of this statement.

It began for him as a line he used as he took his stand up routine around the country and discovered that there were Rednecks just about everywhere he went...not just in the south as is commonly believed.

We've heard them all. You might be a Redneck if..

• You've gone to a family reunion to meet women...
• You've drank beer at a job interview....
• You helped your rich family move and it included knocking the wheels off their new place...
• You mowed your lawn and found a car...

People laugh and on he goes. Once Mr. Foxworthy said that he decided he was going to see if he could make a list of 100 of these. He said that when he would tell the jokes, people, well let's call them folks, folks from around the country was laughing and nodding to at least half of these.

There are Rednecks everywhere.

But there is more than one type.

Earlier today The Missus and I were watching The Chronichles of Narnia. The Heir Apperant got it in his Easter basket ( and by the way it is a DVD that does have all of the bonus footage unlike some DVD's we got, see Dee-Vee-Dee post from April) and after the movie was over we watched a bunch of the deleted, bonus, blooper footage.

But there's only so much you can watch so The Missus turned off the DVD player and searched around for something to watch. When she stopped, it was on CMT.

Country Music Television.

I looked at her and she avoided my look. On the screen was Larry The Cable Guy's stand up in Michigan (I think). He's another kind of Redneck. On the one side you have Jeff in his button up shirt, sometimes a Polo shirt, clean jeans, talking family, men and women differences, and Redneck jokes, and then you have Larry with, well if you've seen him you know. Rednecks both but still different.

Let's take a moment and get a visual so we're all on the same page.

Okay, so we clear now? Two kinds of Rednecks. So Larry goes on and on and does his Grandma thing and his deaf cousin thing, and the immigrant's need to learn english (hopefully not from a Redneck) especially when they're working in a drive-through. Anyway the show ends and I look at the Missus and she makes no move to change the channel, and also by the way has placed the remote on the couch next to her which is on the opposite side of where I am. So I turn my attention back to the TV which is still on CMT.

Country Music Television.

And it comes on.

Country Fried Home Videos.

That deserves to be repeated for all you might have missed it.

Country Fried Home Videos.

It's on CMT. Country Music Television.

Their favorite cut-to clip plays when they come back from commercial, between other videos, and well, just because..is of a couple of semi-toothless, plaid wearin, mullet sportin' good ole boys laughin and trying to get a congratulatory high-five...but to me it looks like they miss, despite being shoulder to shoulder.

Now don't get confused and start thinking that this is just another version of America's Funniest Videos, 'cuz it ain't.

How can I say that?

Pray let me give to you the highlights...

• Mud bog belly-flops: The bigger the belly, the bigger the flop. That goes without saying. But to add in the right amount of Redneck? Plumbers crack...and plenty of it.
• Shotgun bowling: Y'alls sit y'self at a picnic table, take aim (like this is really needed with a shotgun) and fire. Across the grassy lane are your pins. One scene did show a woman missed...so much for not needing to aim. In another scene the camera angle was from behind the pins. Yes, behind the pins...
• A turkey on a snowboard: Ok, ok, that is close to an AFV episode but only the ones that had Bob Saget on as the host and we all know how bad those sucked, canned laughter and all.
• Bull poker: There's no bluffing in this poker game no matter who has the best poker face. To set this game up you need 1) four volunteers (preferrably tanked from Coors filled plastic cups. 2) plastic furniture, why would you need plastic furniture? because a more than angry, pissed off thousand pound walking plate of steak and burgers is about to mow it down. 3) the afore mentioned bull. 4) Good insurance, a good lawyer (isn't that a dead one?), and a signed waiver. The game now starts (I have no idea what the winning prize is but it may be something like a new mounted deer head for the living room) with guy number one taunting the bull. Yes he's trash talking a large angry animal that is digging away and lowering it's horns. He then bangs on the table and as if all this was not enough...he scoops dirt and throws it at the animal. Mind you, our other three volunteers are at the table as well but sitting quietly. See the game is actually a game of Chicken. Who can sit at the table the longest...so back to our rocket scientist contestant number one. The bull has had enough of his bullshit, pardon the pun, and charges, knocking player number one into next week, completly avoiding the table, and proceeds to chase contestant number 1 around and out of the arena. Next scene? The bull returns to his previous spot and shotgun bowls the other three contestants onto their asses all at once. The bull wins.
• And I cannot keep going on but must mention this...Bobbing for Trout: Imagine if you will a large glass fish tank. Once upon a time I had a 75 gallon tank that was about 5 1/2 feet long or so. This one was close. Player after player dunk and chase live trout, yes live trout around the tank snapping thier teeth until they run out of air. Reuters recently reported that a restaurant in Italy was fined for having live lobsters on ice...they claimed it was cruel...what would they do with this? Finally (this just ain't right) one of our rednecks gets one. Live. And he stands proudly displaying his trout and then struts around with his arms in the air. The fish wiggles, caught in the toothy vice of our mullet sporting good ole boy.

I generally like my fish cooked. Hell, I like sushi. But this is a little much. Trust me folks I can't make this stuff up! Try this if you dare.

http://www.cmt.com/shows/dyn/country_fried_home_videos/series.jhtml

And then my wicked muse sat down....

What if this was at least in part, a solution to the immigration problem?

Immigrants are coming here to get some work. Some pickup drivin' rebel flag waving, good ole boys have complained that they come and steal all the work (never mind the redneck olympics explained above). But you don't see immigrants in videos doing this crazy belly-flop, bull poker, turkey playing kind of stuff. So why not a sort of trade...remember the trade guns for food stamps, trade guns for food, trade guns for free tickets to the Oprah show...

We trade one Redneck for one immigrant.

Don't shake your head. It could work. Immigrants don't have to sneak around. Rednecks can well, keep doing what rednecks do and now don't have to say that their jobs are being taken.

Additionally we make the immigrants promise to never sport a mullet, make them always brush their teeth, not marry their cousins, or find a car in the front yard if they mow the lawn...

It's just a thought folks....just a thought...

Get To The Point

Thursday is Toastmasters and I have really tried to be more active in it. So far I have, since retruning to it signed up for something each week. This coiming week I am giving a speech. I always write out the speech with the good intentions of sticking to what I write but I always stray from it.

With this one I hope not to but I know how I am. Here though is what I hope to stick to...

It was a while back at the beginning of a meeting that during the pledge it really seemed that our voices were low, quiet, there was no excitement in what we were saying. It was from that meeting where I chose this topic.

But in order to explore it correctly you have to know where it has been. The same is true when it comes to the direction of a group, a country, and the pledge is no exception.

So first we’re going to talk about where it came from, and in doing that we’ll be able to determine where it is today, and in doing that we’ll be able to determine what our responsibility with it will be in the future.

I.
The Pledge of Allegiance was written for the 400th celebration of Columbus Day in 1892 and later was published in the Readers Digest of it’s time called “The Youth’s Companion.” But to understand what was going on you have to realize what was happening in the minds of people of that time; We were only 30 years, not even a full generation past the Civil War. It was a new America that was stronger than before because we had finally come together, indivisible, and people from around the world were coming to the Land of Opportunity. In fact in 1891 nearly half a million immigrants had entered the United States through the Battery Park offices in NY (It was that same year, 1892, that Ellis Island was opened). A month after it appeared in the Youth’s companion nearly 12 million children around the country were saying the pledge every morning in classrooms.

It read:

I Pledge allegiance to my flag, and to the republic for which it stands: One Nation, Indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for All.

In 1923 our growing nation, again in a post-war era, with millions of immigrants coming every year caused concern in the wording of the Pledge, enough to have it changed to:

I Pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States…

And again in 1924 the word America as added making that line, “ I Pledge Allegiance to the flag, of the United States of America…

It became “popular” during the onset of WW2 and in 1945 was given the official title of The Pledge of Allegiance. The last change was in 1954, Flag Day which is June 14. The last change was adding “Under God”

II.
So what is the Pledge about today? The easiest way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time, the easiest way to find out what the Pledge is today is the Same.

I (me)
Pledge (a binding promise or agreement)
Allegiance (a devotion or loyalty)
To the flag (a symbol or representation of our country)
Of the United States of America (which is more than the expanse of land that spreads from the Atlantic to the Pacific, more than the expanse from the Mexican border to the Canadian, More than the Alaskan wilderness, more than the isles of Hawaii. It’s an ideal that freedom is a responsibility, not a right)
And to the Republic ( Interesting word republic. Webster says it means: a government in which supreme power resides in a body of citizens entitled to vote and is exercised by elected officers and representatives responsible to them and governing according to law)
For which it stands (referring to the body of citizens it represents)
One Nation under God (what can be said here that those words don’t already say?)
Indivisible (proven 30 years before it’s creation that this nation, though we can have differences of opinion, we cannot be divided even amongst ourselves).
With Liberty (of all the definitions I liked, the power of choice)
And Justice for All (the principle or ideal of just dealing or right action- For All)

III.
What do we do now?

Bellamy knew what he was doing when the Pledge was put together in August of 1892. He said that when choosing the words that August he thought:
It began as an intensive communing with salient points of our national history, from the Declaration of Independence onwards; with the makings of the Constitution...with the meaning of the Civil War; with the aspiration of the people...

Furthermore look at another document that Bellamy refers to:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness

How does this all tie into the Pledge? Where it ties in is with you. The people that say it. The Parents whose children say it. They, whoever they are, say that statistically the pledge could change in the next few years and when and if, that time comes, it’s going to be up to us, you and I to decide what of our national history is important enough to keep, what of our national history is important enough to protect.

Look over the words and decide for yourself what does it mean to you. But to know is only half the battle.

Knowledge without action is useless.

Acting on this knowledge makes you responsible for what goes on in your home, on your street, in your neighborhood, your community, your town, city, your county, state and country.
It’s your Pledge. It’s your country.

I saw this today and loved it..

BERLIN (Reuters) - A 53-year-old German woman who was driving her dead mother across country to save on mortuary transportation costs was fined by police for disturbing a dead person's peace.

**Is this an admission by the German police that there is life after death? If there is no life how can one be disturbed?**

"You're not allowed to transport dead people in your private car," said Ralf Schomisch, police spokesman in Koblenz, where the car was found after a tip-off from a mortuary.

"The corpse was on the back seat without a seat belt, ** this is the best line ever ** which in this case didn't really matter.

But it was covered up with clothing. It is a misdemeanor." ** Now the American public truly needs some clarification here...what's a misdemeanor? 1) Carrying the dead woman in the car? 2) Having her in the backseat (with no seatbelt) or 3) having her covered with clothes?

He said the woman, who was not identified, was charged with violating burial laws ** maybe her expiration date was coming?** and disturbing a dead person's peace. She would face a modest fine, Schomisch said.

The woman had already driven 450 km (280 miles) after picking up the body from a mortuary in the northern city of Bremerhaven. She wanted to bury her mother, who died of natural causes aged 90, in her hometown Daun.

© Reuters 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Type in black is not part of the original article and was brought to you by Mr. Write, The color Black, and the number 90.

Still have 40 or so emails but I came across this and thought I'd throw it on out...

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to beoffended by the phrase, "One nation under God."

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say "Christmas" instead of"Winter Festival."

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand overyour heart when they play the National Anthem or say the pledge ofallegiance to our flag.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You believe in the US Constitution as it was written.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expectyour kids to do the same.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You'd give your last dollar to afriend.

You Have (E) Mail...

So it's been a while...

My little man, the heir apparent, was home from potato-land for a week and when he's here we seem to be inseperable from having our butt's handed to us on X-Box live.

We, he, I, play as RLZofEngagement. Come kill us when you get a chance.

Anyway, I had/have full intention of getting some writing done here and my process is:

• I go to WHEB.com and get some music going (currently playing some old style Van Halen, ya the old stuff with David Lee...
• I go and check my Comcast email, answer a couple, delete a couple, and then on to Blogger I go..

But today I got to my step two and found 104 emails. So far two from Mamasita out in Cali...the rest is a bunch of el-junkamundo.

What a bunch of crap.

And so I sat here trying to figure out where they all came from.

And then I recalled a little something, something. The other day, before the heir apparent came home I sent The Missus an e-card to her work from my work, but to spare myself the extra emails at work I put on my Comcast email address as the sender...

and they sold my email address...

You Bastards!

Bad part is that if I want the emails to stop I can't just delete them I have to actually open each and every email and search for the link that asks me to click here and send them an email saying please don't send me any more email-ads.

And isn't that what they want? For me to open their email and see what "Joe Bob Re: The information you asked for..." email says?

Aggravation.

Not quite the same kind of aggravation I felt after watching Rottweiler on Sci-Fi this weekend. That movie sucked royal butt.

I may be back to share some thoughts after I delete 90 some-odd emails...

Do it to me baby one more time

Blurred to protect the innocent? Ya right...
From L-R, The In-Laws, The Missus, Mr. Write @ Horseshoe Bay Bermuda September 2005.

Saint Jimmy

Just a few things...

Tonight the Missus has American idol on. It's Queen night and a few things will happen:

1) Most will butcher songs done by the best rock band in history making Freddy turn in his grave...

2) Randy will not like most singers and then when one comes along that he likes he will say "We got another hot one in da house!" and wave his fist in

the air.

3) Paula will say, "You know i'm one of your best fans, I didn't really like the song, but that being said..."

Anyway...

Met my new boss today. She drove from one end of New England 3 1/2 hours to the other end of New England. Luckily for her it is a business trip and she probably will get reimbursed for the gas it took to come on up.

Good thing considering the gouge is on.

Now of course GMA today had some interviews about this and the gas companies press folk come running up and say the same thing; It's the demand; It's reflective of events that happened three months ago; It's the war; It's this; It's that.

It's armed robbery sans the arms.

GMA went on to say that 70% of people out there say this is a hardship. The other 30% will call it a severe hardship.

So what's going on?

The Spring Equinox happened.

What does that have to do with it? Traditionally more people travel during this time of the year. The crumb-grinders and yard-apes will be done with school soon ( I know it's still April ) it's nice outside and spring fever spreads like wildfire through the endless eons of cubicles.

We want out.

And so we pay.

But then there's Saint Jimmy (a la Green day). What has Saint Jimmy done?


Saint Jimmy has just beat them at their own game. You know those emails that every single year come out and say it's don't buy gas day? They're purely a waste of the elcectricity used to power the computer. Even if everyone you knew didn't buy gas on that day it would only amount to a minor hiccup. And if it amounted to anything more they would get back the cost by raising the price a few more cents the next time you went back.

But what Saint Jimmy did....

A model I see online, A 2006 Honda Metropolitan runs around 1849.00.

Payments run anywhere from 39.00/Mo to I think something like 199.00 depending on when you want to pay it off.

And La piece de resistance?

A gas tank that even with these inflamatory prices takes less than three dollars to fill and gets roughly, according to Saint Jimmy, 90 miles to the gallon.

Hmmm...

You go to Bermuda and you see these things all over the place. It's not uncommon to see them lining the streets 50 of them in a row. Safety? It's only the tourists on these islands that get into accidents and that is because they forget which side of the road they're supposed to be on. But nothing is stopping you from buying a helmet and a leather jacket.

Sure, let's stay on the Bermuda example, gas is 5.00 a gallon (actually they're on the metric system so they fill 'er up in liters) but if it lasts you a couple of weeks or more what's the problem? How far do we really work from home anyway?

I'm not saying that we should get rid of all of our cars, after all you would need one to get groceries or drive around all of those kids you can't afford to and from soccer etc, plus in New England winters are, well lets just say they SUCK royally, so you need to hang onto that one. And in the meantime save yourself beacoup bucks (so you too can afford to go to Bermuda) and La piece de resistance....

Sock it to the gas companies...

Send this around in one of those emails....

Oh and Ace Young, go and pack your bags.

My Wiki-how-to

They were rather quick

I personalized my Google page the other day. What this allowed me to do was to add news that I want to see (I generally don't do more than read the headlines since most news is depressing and I try to control my attitude). Well one of the things I added was the Wiki-How to pages. There's been some interesting ones on there like, How to win a sword fight. Next time those Ninja's come at from the dark alley I will be ready...

Anyway...

I decided to do my very own.

Now what does the world truly need to know? What would be useful? How to make enchiladas? Useful yes but I'm sure rachel Ray already has an explanation out there though I doubt that she can do it in 30 minutes...

And then my muse came and sat down with a devilish wink in her eye...

How to teach white people to all clap at once.

Well I got an email, after throwing it out there, saying that some people might see some of the wording to be racist. Actually, that some, would only be white people.

Luckily I copied it for myself before they made the changes.

How to "Teach White People to Clap All at Once"

Description: Caucasians have a tendency to be rhythmically challenged. See them try to clap at churches, concerts, stadiums, plays, comedy shows and other places where they go and try to show their appreciation through appluase. Now you too can help your poor rhythmically challenged neighbors. Using the counting method! Begin by finding someone in the audience that can clap. This may be a non-caucasian usually unless they have read this How-To and are now out in the world passing on this valuable knowledge.

Steps

1) Define the rhythem (cadence) of the applause around you. A good way to determine this is to find a person with rhythem, usually a non-caucasian, and use the counting method. To use the counting method count out numbers each time the clappers hands connect. WATCH THE CLAPPER CLOSELY. If you are not able to locate a non-caucasian clapper do not take charge and try this on your own especially in a televised audience! the camera's will find you and you will be nationally humiated. (See Tips)

2) Start off slow. Continue to watch the clapper closely. Most clapping injuries happen when caucasians just aren't ready to take the plunge so soon. Now that you have determined the clapping cadence try one or two. With a few successes you'll gain the necessary confidence needed for full blown clapping.

3) Now you've got some confidence under your belt so to say. It's now time to stop watching your clapper-mentor.

4) Make sure the audience around you is still clapping. (See Tips)

5) Concentrate. Remember dad always said Keep your eye on the ball so watch your hands.

6) Using the same counted out cadence, bring your hands together with each number counted.

7) Listen carefully. As those around you start to slow down that will be your cue that you can stop. Advanced clapping will cover speeding-up, slowing-down, clapping while standing, clapping to a different drummer, and for the truly advanced caucasian, clapping while dancing.

Tips

1) When in an audience before a show, meeting, etc., locate that helpful clapper mentor ahead of time. Obviously they won't be walking around clapping but don't be afraid to stick your hand out and say, "Hey, can you clap well?"

2) If you cannot locate a clapper nearby try nodding and smiling. It works when you don't understand non-caucasians that are speaking to you doesn't it?

3) Make sure that once you have gained some confidence that those around you are still clapping. There's nothing worse than starting your clapping and finding that everyone else is done or nearly done with theirs. It's like the guy that laughs at the joke after everyone else got it and has stopped laughing. It just ain't funny "no-mo".

4) Do not attempt to find a Clapper-Mentor more than a couple of rows over. Stretching to keep your eyes on the clapper can lead to serious injuries. Binoculars are a No-no. You'll see what I mean if you try to clap and hold your binoc's at the same time.

Warnings
See Tips!

Do not try advanced clapping "moves" until ready

Ok, so back to the email. I was warned that things like that can be the cause for permanent blockage (this sounds serious!) of all future articles. So one of the guys out there went ahead and "edited" my how-to. Mr. Write is used to being edited. I am married after all, but even more so, I write procedures and New Business Communications (these are emails sent out to the New Business staff at work) and before I send the final draft I often get edited from the review group which is comprised of doughnut eaters, er, managers (just kidding). Anyway here is a link to the final How to. Read it and decide for yourself which version you like best!

http://wiki.ehow.com/Teach-People-to-Clap-All-at-Once

Vote for Pedro!

The Pirate says...

So the missus was watching, by it's Latin name, The Boobidus toobidus, americanus idotboxicus. Okay, TV. She was watching BONES. One of the newer shows on Fox. Tonight they were talkling about Pirates. Arrrrgh. Who doesn't like pirates?

We went to Bermuda this past fall, which even though everyone (but me) was afraid of hurricanes was the best time of the year to go. September is still hot there like August in my homeland (California). Anyway there were lots of pirates around Bermuda way back when. Lootin', pillagin', an' shiverin their timbers...whatever that means.

But asides from parrot's, peg legs, eye-patches and a bit of Coke to go with a bit of the ole Captain (The Captain says, drink responsibly...Captain's Orders!) what else do we know them for? No not treasure...Johnny Depp? Oh please! Try again, the plank? Ok fine i'll get on with it.

Arrrgh.

Everytime they said pirate on BONES, I said Arrrgh.

Remember that Tootsie roll pop commercial from years gone by....how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie roll pop? How many Arrrgh's does it take to get the missus to scream "STOP IT!"

Mr. Owl?

One....

Two...

Th-"STOP IT!" Three. Yes Three....

Cool Schtuff...

Check out the cool stuff here and get your fancy shmancy banner....

This is scruff meister chewy-double-d

Actually it isn't, but this is what M-Dog looks like.

Dee-Vee-Dee!

Remember when DVD's had bonus features....?

So the other day the Missus goes to the store and shops for a few necessities. When she returns she has brought home King Kong; The DVD. Now remember when the cool thing about getting DVD's was when you were done watching them they always had those cool additional things on the disk; Alternate endings, deleted scenes, Outtakes, bonus footage, Upcoming movies. You name it they had it. And of you didn't want to watch it well guess what? You didn't have to fast forward through it, you just didn't watch it. Cool huh?

So what goes?

Let's back up before we go forward. A few weeks ago the missus goes to the store and shops for a few necessities. Sound familiar? Well when she returned she brought home the newest Harry Potter DVD. What was this one, number 4? Something like that. Anyway it came as a two pack. She openned up the package and the "other" disk says something about game etc. Scene-it I think it was....so we watched the DVD and at the end we begin the search.

For what you ask?

Well I'm glad that you asked. Bonus stuff. Extra features. So we searched and searched and there was nothing. Oh, maybe it's on the second disk. I thought the same thing. So we change the disks and hit Menu and what did you think was there? This monologue on how to play Scene-it that went on for quite a while. Now I have nothing against the game. I've never played it. But what i'm getting at here is that DVD's have changed. It was the cool thing that made them different from a VCR tape. Remember those? Fast forward, Please be kind: Rewind, boring features with Mr Voice narrating what movies were coming out (that you were still going to wait until it came out to see). Gone.

Okay, but it was just the Harry potter movie.

Or was it?

So, fast forward, the Missus comes home with King Kong. All three hours of it. So ya it finishes around 1 a.m. and I stop the credits by hitting the menu button. Menu comes on and what's there? Commercials. No special features what so ever. Nope, nuttin, zero, zip zilch. You get the idea.

So what's the deal? Is it just freaking Wal-Mart that sells these bonus-less movies with no extra's? Where's the motivation to go and buy these DVD's? If all I wanted to see was the movie itself ( and don't forget this one came with commercials) I could wait a year and then watch it on TNT or Spike (Spike has better commercials). Does Wal-Mart have these DVD's made to keep them cheap so all the camouflage sweatpant wearing attention all wal-mart shoppers we're having a sale on toothpaste, oh wait, pass on that, shoppers can have as big a collection of DVD's as they have of Nascar Tee's?

C'mon people.

All I'm saying is that if I go to buy a DVD I want to see some bonus features in there. I want to see the deleted scene with that guy that really should have been bitten in half by the monster, and was, but the ratings folks said "you're pushing it if you leave it in there..." I want to see the extended muppet scene, ya you know which one i'm talking about. I want to see that stupid Coming Soon feature of She's the Man (don't get me started down that road...). Whatever they are I want my bonus features just like I wanted my MTV.

Remember when MTV actually played music....?