My Wiki-how-to

They were rather quick

I personalized my Google page the other day. What this allowed me to do was to add news that I want to see (I generally don't do more than read the headlines since most news is depressing and I try to control my attitude). Well one of the things I added was the Wiki-How to pages. There's been some interesting ones on there like, How to win a sword fight. Next time those Ninja's come at from the dark alley I will be ready...

Anyway...

I decided to do my very own.

Now what does the world truly need to know? What would be useful? How to make enchiladas? Useful yes but I'm sure rachel Ray already has an explanation out there though I doubt that she can do it in 30 minutes...

And then my muse came and sat down with a devilish wink in her eye...

How to teach white people to all clap at once.

Well I got an email, after throwing it out there, saying that some people might see some of the wording to be racist. Actually, that some, would only be white people.

Luckily I copied it for myself before they made the changes.

How to "Teach White People to Clap All at Once"

Description: Caucasians have a tendency to be rhythmically challenged. See them try to clap at churches, concerts, stadiums, plays, comedy shows and other places where they go and try to show their appreciation through appluase. Now you too can help your poor rhythmically challenged neighbors. Using the counting method! Begin by finding someone in the audience that can clap. This may be a non-caucasian usually unless they have read this How-To and are now out in the world passing on this valuable knowledge.

Steps

1) Define the rhythem (cadence) of the applause around you. A good way to determine this is to find a person with rhythem, usually a non-caucasian, and use the counting method. To use the counting method count out numbers each time the clappers hands connect. WATCH THE CLAPPER CLOSELY. If you are not able to locate a non-caucasian clapper do not take charge and try this on your own especially in a televised audience! the camera's will find you and you will be nationally humiated. (See Tips)

2) Start off slow. Continue to watch the clapper closely. Most clapping injuries happen when caucasians just aren't ready to take the plunge so soon. Now that you have determined the clapping cadence try one or two. With a few successes you'll gain the necessary confidence needed for full blown clapping.

3) Now you've got some confidence under your belt so to say. It's now time to stop watching your clapper-mentor.

4) Make sure the audience around you is still clapping. (See Tips)

5) Concentrate. Remember dad always said Keep your eye on the ball so watch your hands.

6) Using the same counted out cadence, bring your hands together with each number counted.

7) Listen carefully. As those around you start to slow down that will be your cue that you can stop. Advanced clapping will cover speeding-up, slowing-down, clapping while standing, clapping to a different drummer, and for the truly advanced caucasian, clapping while dancing.

Tips

1) When in an audience before a show, meeting, etc., locate that helpful clapper mentor ahead of time. Obviously they won't be walking around clapping but don't be afraid to stick your hand out and say, "Hey, can you clap well?"

2) If you cannot locate a clapper nearby try nodding and smiling. It works when you don't understand non-caucasians that are speaking to you doesn't it?

3) Make sure that once you have gained some confidence that those around you are still clapping. There's nothing worse than starting your clapping and finding that everyone else is done or nearly done with theirs. It's like the guy that laughs at the joke after everyone else got it and has stopped laughing. It just ain't funny "no-mo".

4) Do not attempt to find a Clapper-Mentor more than a couple of rows over. Stretching to keep your eyes on the clapper can lead to serious injuries. Binoculars are a No-no. You'll see what I mean if you try to clap and hold your binoc's at the same time.

Warnings
See Tips!

Do not try advanced clapping "moves" until ready

Ok, so back to the email. I was warned that things like that can be the cause for permanent blockage (this sounds serious!) of all future articles. So one of the guys out there went ahead and "edited" my how-to. Mr. Write is used to being edited. I am married after all, but even more so, I write procedures and New Business Communications (these are emails sent out to the New Business staff at work) and before I send the final draft I often get edited from the review group which is comprised of doughnut eaters, er, managers (just kidding). Anyway here is a link to the final How to. Read it and decide for yourself which version you like best!

http://wiki.ehow.com/Teach-People-to-Clap-All-at-Once

Vote for Pedro!