It began for him as a line he used as he took his stand up routine around the country and discovered that there were Rednecks just about everywhere he went...not just in the south as is commonly believed.
We've heard them all. You might be a Redneck if..
- You've gone to a family reunion to meet women...
- You've drank beer at a job interview....
- You helped your rich family move and it included knocking the wheels off their new place...
- You mowed your lawn and found a car...
People laugh and on he goes. Once Mr. Foxworthy said that he decided he was going to see if he could make a list of 100 of these. He said that when he would tell the jokes, people, well let's call them folks, folks from around the country was laughing and nodding to at least half of these.
There are Rednecks everywhere.
But there is more than one type.
Earlier today The Missus and I were watching The Chronichles of Narnia. The Heir Apperant got it in his Easter basket ( and by the way it is a DVD that does have all of the bonus footage unlike some DVD's we got, see Dee-Vee-Dee post from April) and after the movie was over we watched a bunch of the deleted, bonus, blooper footage.
But there's only so much you can watch so The Missus turned off the DVD player and searched around for something to watch. When she stopped, it was on CMT.
Country Music Television.
I looked at her and she avoided my look. On the screen was Larry The Cable Guy's stand up in Michigan (I think). He's another kind of Redneck. On the one side you have Jeff in his button up shirt, sometimes a Polo shirt, clean jeans, talking family, men and women differences, and Redneck jokes, and then you have Larry with, well if you've seen him you know. Rednecks both but still different.
Let's take a moment and get a visual so we're all on the same page.
Okay, so we clear now? Two kinds of Rednecks. So Larry goes on and on and does his Grandma thing and his deaf cousin thing, and the immigrant's need to learn english (hopefully not from a Redneck) especially when they're working in a drive-through. Anyway the show ends and I look at the Missus and she makes no move to change the channel, and also by the way has placed the remote on the couch next to her which is on the opposite side of where I am. So I turn my attention back to the TV which is still on CMT.
Country Music Television.
And it comes on.
Country Fried Home Videos.
That deserves to be repeated for all you might have missed it.
Country Fried Home Videos.
It's on CMT. Country Music Television.
Their favorite cut-to clip plays when they come back from commercial, between other videos, and well, just because..is of a couple of semi-toothless, plaid wearin, mullet sportin' good ole boys laughin and trying to get a congratulatory high-five...but to me it looks like they miss, despite being shoulder to shoulder.
Now don't get confused and start thinking that this is just another version of America's Funniest Videos, 'cuz it ain't.
How can I say that?
Pray let me give to you the highlights...
- Mud bog belly-flops: The bigger the belly, the bigger the flop. That goes without saying. But to add in the right amount of Redneck? Plumbers crack...and plenty of it.
- Shotgun bowling: Y'alls sit y'self at a picnic table, take aim (like this is really needed with a shotgun) and fire. Across the grassy lane are your pins. One scene did show a woman missed...so much for not needing to aim. In another scene the camera angle was from behind the pins. Yes, behind the pins...
- A turkey on a snowboard: Ok, ok, that is close to an AFV episode but only the ones that had Bob Saget on as the host and we all know how bad those sucked, canned laughter and all.
- Bull poker: There's no bluffing in this poker game no matter who has the best poker face. To set this game up you need 1) four volunteers (preferrably tanked from Coors filled plastic cups. 2) plastic furniture, why would you need plastic furniture? because a more than angry, pissed off thousand pound walking plate of steak and burgers is about to mow it down. 3) the afore mentioned bull. 4) Good insurance, a good lawyer (isn't that a dead one?), and a signed waiver. The game now starts (I have no idea what the winning prize is but it may be something like a new mounted deer head for the living room) with guy number one taunting the bull. Yes he's trash talking a large angry animal that is digging away and lowering it's horns. He then bangs on the table and as if all this was not enough...he scoops dirt and throws it at the animal. Mind you, our other three volunteers are at the table as well but sitting quietly. See the game is actually a game of Chicken. Who can sit at the table the longest...so back to our rocket scientist contestant number one. The bull has had enough of his bullshit, pardon the pun, and charges, knocking player number one into next week, completly avoiding the table, and proceeds to chase contestant number 1 around and out of the arena. Next scene? The bull returns to his previous spot and shotgun bowls the other three contestants onto their asses all at once. The bull wins.
- And I cannot keep going on but must mention this...Bobbing for Trout: Imagine if you will a large glass fish tank. Once upon a time I had a 75 gallon tank that was about 5 1/2 feet long or so. This one was close. Player after player dunk and chase live trout, yes live trout around the tank snapping thier teeth until they run out of air. Reuters recently reported that a restaurant in Italy was fined for having live lobsters on ice...they claimed it was cruel...what would they do with this? Finally (this just ain't right) one of our rednecks gets one. Live. And he stands proudly displaying his trout and then struts around with his arms in the air. The fish wiggles, caught in the toothy vice of our mullet sporting good ole boy.
I generally like my fish cooked. Hell, I like sushi. But this is a little much. Trust me folks I can't make this stuff up! Try this if you dare.
http://www.cmt.com/shows/dyn/country_fried_home_videos/series.jhtml
And then my wicked muse sat down....
What if this was at least in part, a solution to the immigration problem?
Immigrants are coming here to get some work. Some pickup drivin' rebel flag waving, good ole boys have complained that they come and steal all the work (never mind the redneck olympics explained above). But you don't see immigrants in videos doing this crazy belly-flop, bull poker, turkey playing kind of stuff. So why not a sort of trade...remember the trade guns for food stamps, trade guns for food, trade guns for free tickets to the Oprah show...
We trade one Redneck for one immigrant.
Don't shake your head. It could work. Immigrants don't have to sneak around. Rednecks can well, keep doing what rednecks do and now don't have to say that their jobs are being taken.
Additionally we make the immigrants promise to never sport a mullet, make them always brush their teeth, not marry their cousins, or find a car in the front yard if they mow the lawn...
It's just a thought folks....just a thought...
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